Stubborn children test your patience and parenting skills to the limit on a regular basis. Is this just part of raising children? All children go through at least two stages of being stubborn. Stage one is the “terrible twos,” when they learn to say “no” and then learn “yes.” The teen years is also when they say “no” as they practice making mature choices.
If a doctor has diagnosed your child as having ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), you will encounter similar issues. Differences between the two diagnoses relate to the frequency and the severity due to the cause of the defiant behavior.
To understand the child’s problems and being able to develop suitable plans and consequences are the first steps for parents. Whether your child experiences the stubborn stages, dealing with ODD, or has another major issue, address the problem early. In fact, at the first sign of rebellious behavior, teach and modeling acceptable ways to react and respond.
Next is an example of a conversation between a stepmother, whose 12-year-old stepson came to live with his dad, the new stepmom, and and younger sister.
- Stepmother: Can I help you get settled into your room?
- Stepson: You’re not my mother, and you never will be.
- Stepmother: You are right. I am not your mother, I am your dad’s wife, your stepmother. I asked if I could help you get settled.
- Stepson: You’re a liar. You don’t want to help. By the way, I do my own laundry and I cook my own food.
- Stepmother: All right, let’s back this conversation to the beginning. If you are going to live here, we have some rules about respect. We show respect in our action and words. You don’t get to call me a liar, and I don’t get to call you a liar. Can you live with that rule?
This stepmom felt that this boy was begging for some attention, for some rules. He wanted to know if he was welcome in their home. Several weeks passed before the stepson settled into accepting that he was in a new home with people who would love him, but also not let him fall into his defensive anger.
Strategies To Help You Handle Stubbornness
The first approach is asking why a child behaves the way he or she does? Understand that you, as the parent, can best understand explosive behavior as a form of developmental delay. Dr. Ross Green, the author of The Explosive Child, suggests that the following questions will help parents see more clearly the crux of the problem.
- This child acts this way because…
- How come what works for other kids isn’t working for this child?
- What can I do instead?
- Build a sound basis. Parents start teaching expected life skills at the earliest ages.
- Clarify perceptions through answers to the more common questions.
- Focus on the present: What is happening right now?
- What is the BIG major issue?
- Distinguish between needs and wants.Which needs or wants can be prioritized?
- List your options.
- Hold yourself accountable.
- The problem is…use your best descriptions.
- Brainstorm. Write down your best ideas that might help solve the problem.
- Consider the pros and cons of each possible solution.
- Which of the possible solutions seems likely to work?
- Plan out the solution step-by-step: What? When? How?
Refuse to bargain: Kids use bargaining to make several points: get out of chores, make a break or cut a deal. Children learn to accept the consequences of their choices and behaviors.
Reinforce the positive: Reward their positive behaviors. Point out when your child completes a job and has done it well. Support and praise a thoughtful decision. The power of positively deserved praise cannot be under-rated.
This Course tells you how to assist children to feel safe and confident through building children’s resilience & self regulations skills. This course provides you with the step-by-step holistic approach to show parents and others who care for children how to identify and prevent stress, anxiety, panic, and heal trauma. Learn precise activities to manage your energy and coach families to regulate theirs.
It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change. – Charles Darwin
- Learn how children’s resilience occurs through coping skill development.
- Understand the solutions include self-regulation strategies for the whole child—physically, mentally, socially, emotionally and spiritually.
- Learn how the brain and body connect as one dynamic energy system for self-regulation..
- Learn to empower resilient children to strengthen their internal resources.
- Learn new strategies for coping and thriving.
Outline of Course 4
Module One – Recognize and Source the Child’s Distress
Stress has a spectrum of five stages, and you can visibly observe each stage, one escalating to another. By the time you see stress symptoms in a child at home, school, day care center, camp, or at a sports event, you are really observing the signs of an internal struggle that has been going on for some time. The key point is that stress is the underlying cause of all major illness and disease because that low-key chronic stress slowly erodes the energy of the body and mind over time. This changes the brain’s ability to cope, contributing to illness, overweight, low immune system, and behavioral issue sunless we can contain the stress and renew the vitality of the mind and body on a daily basis. Treating the behavioral symptoms alone is ineffective; you must direct your attention to the cause for a resolution.
Module 2 – Caring for the Whole Child
Caring for the whole child considers the physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and mental needs of our children when determining how to help them cope with stress in the best way for their temperament. In this chapter, you’ll learn how to establish care for each of your children’s needs. Human beings of any age have several basic needs in common. When we meet these requirements, children can cope with adversity from an inner strength and develop the ability for quick thinking and action. Children’s needs fall into five categories: Physical, Emotional, Mental, Social, and Spiritual.
Module 3 – Full-Wave Breathing
Mastering emotional responses to stress—strengthening your vitality and resilience—has a fundamental cornerstone: conscious, effective breathing. Emotions and corresponding physical changes can significantly alter your breathing. Conversely, by shifting your breathing and noticing how your body responds, you can choose to breathe differently and gain control over your emotional responses. For example, we breathe shallowly when stressed, and when anxious, we tend to hold our breath. A heaving breath is associated with anger, rage, or trauma. Finally, a deep sadness or chronic depression can stifle breathing completely.
Module 4 – Storytelling
Storytelling is an age-old tradition in cultures worldwide. We can listen, share, dramatize, and immortalize good stories for the healing effect they have on our psyches. This module explains how to use different forms of storytelling for helping children cope with the variety of symptoms along the stress continuum. Stories help children meet both dramatic and everyday challenges in their lives. This module provides you with basic knowledge of how storytelling works and a few guidelines for having fun with storytelling.
Module 5 – Touch and Acupressure
“Connecting” and “integrating” are words that describe children’s ability to regulate their feelings, which is the foundation of coping skills. This course is about how connecting takes place and how it facilitates children’s coping skills through the incredible resources of the brain and the body.
Consider the Full Package!
Purchase this Single Course
Enroll & Purchase This Course separately IF you are already a parenting professional or entrepreneur who desires a proven course on children’s resilience and self-regulation. This course is complete and offers your the best of ACPI’s research, planning, and marketing.
Consultants and coaches supporting people through life changes can use these tips.
1. Acceptance The largest and most necessary step to change is acceptance. Life events always change, and expecting and accepting that premise helps us cope more readily. My friend Louisa received a diagnosis of cancer. Through the support of her family and friends, she coped well during the treatment sessions. All of us, who supported her healing journey, were grateful that she was not embarrassed to ask for help. She gladly allowed our small acts of kindness to ease her path. Louisa got over feeling guilty when asking for help, and I got over reminding her that I was there to support her. 2. Learn to Shift Out of Your Comfort Zone Does it seem that changes occur as soon as you are comfortable or set in a routine? Most likely, you don’t expect a major change if your guard is down.
Download this resource now: Step Out of Your Comfort Zone
3. Talk About Your Feelings Towards Change If you tend to let things build up inside, choose now to stop that habit. You may be a person who doesn’t like to share personal feelings. Or you might be embarrassed to share them. If the changes are at work, for instance, consider talking to your manager about the impact of those changes. Present your concerns in a professional manner and stick to purposeful breathing which helps you feeling angry or overwhelmed. 4. Try to Turn the Change in Your Favor The phrase turn lemons into lemonade has widely been overused. However, it’s hard to deny the meaning of it and the impact of that meaning. If you are dealing with change, in one form or another, see what angles you can use to make it work to your benefit. 5. Keep Changes You Can Control to a Minimum If you try to enact too many changes at once, it may overwhelm the people who are affected by them. People need time to absorb those changes and incorporate them into their lives. Sometimes, the changes you put into place may be out of your control. However, if you do have control over them, introducing them slowly over time helps those who affected to adjust and accept more easily. 6. Join Support Groups If you have been affected by changes and needed to talk to another person, then you know that we need each others’ support. This is so true when death or a long-term illness occurs. Are the types of changes you experience similar to others’ experiences. Would a support group help in adjusting? 7. Trust Your Instincts You may be forced into situations or decisions that go against what you believe.. If you find yourself in such a situation, it’s best to go with your gut or trust your instincts. If the change doesn’t feel right and you have no power to counter it, try to remove yourself from the situation. I have counseled others in tough situations, and solutions varied from changing jobs to taking time from work and seeking another person to help you clarify your vision and feelings. If you need help, seek it out. 8. Change Can Lead to Unforeseen Opportunities The whole point of being able to deal with change effectively is acceptance. When you start to focus on change being something that is good, opportunities have a way of finding you. These opportunities may not have presented themselves had the changes not occurred.
Your child becomes a teenager and parenting can suddenly turn into a frustrating experience. You are understanding your child from a different viewpoint in the circle of life. You could observe:
- That the harmony is gone in your relationship.
- You find yourself in disagreement with your child.
- You feel the so-called generation gap grew.
Yes, your child is changing, but the basic temperament is still there. Understanding your teen is still the key to having a harmonious relationship. These ten tips for understanding your teen and dealing with the new brain wiring will help you stay centered as a heartwise® parent.
While you used to pal around with your child when he or she was younger, you now have to set boundaries between your role as a parent or a friend.
1.Help stabilize the changes.
At this stage, you are primarily the circumspect parent who will listen, negotiate boundaries and behaviors, and stand steadfast in your expectations. Doing so helps stabilize all the changes the adolescent experiences. Friends can be found, but good parenting is a rare commodity these days.
2. Become Involved
Understanding your child as a teen means becoming involved while your schedule and life remain just as busy. Being involved is finding the time to be with them. Being involved means knowing where they are at all times and establishing communication protocols.
Even more important are the conversations about life your teen appreciates. These conversations open opportunities to understanding your child, as their thoughts and feelings change each day, disappear, and flare again: Listen to the what your child tells you about their life events. You will glean their thoughts and feelings so that they will be at ease coming to you if they are in trouble.
3. Train Teens in Accountability Skills
You as the parent, are responsible for preparing your child for adult life for as long as they live under your roof.
If they want something, exert the effort to achieve it or get it.
Being responsible for communication, earned expenses, and tasks is now their domain.
Money is not the important asset. Rather, qualities about handling money are what matters.
As a parent, you can help here by providing their allowance for completed jobs, but they must do their part. You are training them to survive in a competitive world.
4. Listen To Them
The teen years are crucial years for understanding your child. Teens expect you to hear them and decipher what they need or want. You may feel like judgments arise surrounding teen activities, finances, and studies. Don’t worry because 99% of the job is listening to them and understanding what they want.
5. Explain Your Viewpoint
By letting teens know the reasons for any decisions you make, you empower them to make their choices. Offering them a reason, even if it considered lame by your teen, helps them review their personal choices. For example
Concern for their safety is why you establish a mutually agreed on curfew.
Your need to know where they are if they leave one place for a new destination requires a phone call to know they are safe and capable of holding their own among peers.
6. Tune In
Understanding your child occurs when you are
listening to their kind of music
keeping tabs on what activities they are involved in
Knowing the names of their friends
7. Be Flexible
Setting agreed-upon rules with your teen is always healthy. However, exceptions to rules always occur. Whether you are flexible enough to bend the rules requires discussion with your teen. Lay the groundwork for those instances when rules can be adjusted.
8. Share Your Interest With Your Child
Sharing interests with your child means you better understand them You learn together and share your experiences. You need to stay connected with your child through those teen arguments.
9. Keep Talking Even If Your Teen Is Not Listening
Teenagers do listen to their parents. While they may argue with you, your advice is well-entrenched in their minds. After all, you did raise them. Although they pretend passivity with what you say, the truth is that your advice has influence.