How we parents communicate and demonstrate conversations with our children speaks louder than any intention or goal. A family coach or parenting consultant trains parents and family members in communications skills. How are your communications skills?
Not Like This
"Caron, speak up." My father screamed. Other statements he used were....
"Quit mumbling. Stop mumbling. You are driving me nuts."
"STOP the mumbling.
My father was a man with a hearing loss, probably acquired from his stent of service in the second world war. He boasted how he was lucky to be alive despite the shard of metal in his skull. He drank a lot which often resulted in being a happy drunk until he couldn't hear what one of his children said. Then, his short fuse resulted in the not-so-nice screaming bout.
The story of my father demonstrates how truly important it is to establish two-way communication within families. Two-way communication implies two people are speaking, but also listening, as well as respecting opinions and solutions. Two-way communication suggests that listening receives as much respect as speaking.
Communication styles are characterized by the way people want to appear and be heard:
- People want to look (or attempt to appear) a certain way when communicating. For example, it was necessary to my father that he raised his voice and corrected me because he was the "boss."
Unclear, poor communication leaves family members unhappy and lonely. If your communication skills are lacking, then a family member may be miserable and feel alone. The following consultant's tips can help you improve the opportunities for being heard, speaking your truth, and inviting conversations with your children.
Ten Right-Way Communication Skills for the Home
Fostering a more favorable environment in your home includes offering opportunities for discussions and space for disagreements, Try these communication strategies
1. Be open and honest with one another. While being honest, be kind when saying something that may cause a family member any distress. Children are more receptive to calm voices, kind words, and tone of voice, but then, isn't everyone?
2. Have some fun each day. Family fun doesn't have to take up a lot of time. It can be as simple as having ice cream cones or playing with your pets. Simple tasks or rituals make a significant difference in how the communication flows in a home, mainly when people are engaged in functions together.
3. Set priorities for chores that everyone must do. Agree on who does what chores and when they should do them, so everyone participates in age-appropriate tasks. Write them on a chore chart ahead of time to prevent arguments! What worked best for my family was to set aside 30 minutes when all family members cleaned a room, the least of which was owning and removing each one's paraphernalia.
4. Keep privacy boundaries. Adults and kids both need their privacy on a regular basis. Ensure that the kids understand the importance of respecting this priority. A parent consultant can speak with your children and help them define their personal boundaries.
5. Have a family meeting each week to discuss family issues. Find a time in which everyone in the family can attend. Hold the meeting every week, preferably at the same time. In the meeting, let each family member speak their mind, even if it's a complaint. Solve challenges, run ideas by each other, and make plans for the future together.
6. Allow free time. Everyone needs some time to do things on their own or with their friends. Meeting this need will help each family member feel more satisfied, fulfilled, and open to communicating.
7. Spend holidays and special events together as a family. Strengthen your family bond with special occasion family traditions. Let the kids share their ideas about the occasion, too.
8. Establish a weekly family night. Make time just to enjoy being together. Watch movies, play games, or have story time. Encourage laughter and open communication.
9. Learn to negotiate. Learning to compromise and come up with win-win solutions for everyone involved is a priceless skill that will serve your family members well throughout their lives.
10. Say, "I love you." The best consultant I worked with in a school setting always repeated: "Each day, remember to show your spouse and kids how much you love them. Share loving, encouraging words and hugs freely throughout the day - even if it's a hard day, especially if it's a hard day!"
A happy home promotes a supportive place to live, play, and look forward to the future! A comfortable home welcomes your loved ones when they return from work or other outings. They can leave the stresses of the outside world behind as they enter the warm sanctuary of home. Practice these communication strategies to create an inviting environment in your home because you shape the foundation for your child's ability to get along in life.
Fulfill Your Calling and Train as a Family Coach
Emotionally healthy children do better in school, find more success as adults, and lead happier lives. They can be happy and fulfilled as they grow up.
Follow these strategies to increase your children’s emotional wellbeing:
1. Be open about your feelings. The world isn’t always positive, and you may have struggled. It helps your children understand your feelings if they see the reality of the world.
- Kids copy their parents, so they’ll mimic your emotions.
- As an emotionally healthy adult, you’ll show your kids that it’s normal to have both positive and negative feelings. If you’re open about them, they’ll be able to learn from you.
- You may be tempted to protect your children from your real emotions. However, you’ll miss a teaching opportunity.
2. Avoid judging feelings. Adults sometimes criticize others and their feelings. Your kids are always watching, so they learn to judge others too.
- When you judge and criticize the emotions of others, you show your kids that it’s normal to make fun of or mock other people.
- They can suffer emotional damage because they learn to criticize others or become scared to show their own feelings.
- It’s also important to avoid labeling feelings as good or bad. Sometimes you may be happy, and sometimes you may be sad, but both are normal. Help your children to accept and not to be ashamed of how they feel.
3. Avoid telling your kids how to feel. When you try to control a child’s emotions, the situation often gets worse and leads both of you down a dangerous path.
- You can’t control every aspect of your child’s life. If you try to tell children how to feel, they can become scared to show their true emotions. They learn that they can’t be honest about their feelings, so they stifle or hide them.
- When you tell your kids they have to be happy, you prevent them from figuring out why they don’t feel this way.
- Parents often feel that their kids are an extension of their personalities and expect them to act and feel the same way. However, each child is a unique individual. You can’t expect them to feel the same way as you.
4. Resolve your emotional wounds. You’ll find it difficult to teach your kids how to deal with their feelings when you’re struggling with your own. Kids naturally copy their parents, so they may pick up on your traumas.
- Take care to prevent the emotional wounds from your past or present from carrying over to your children.
5. Ask questions. Kids benefit from opportunities to discuss their emotions. Ask questions and find out how they feel, rather than assuming what they’re feeling.
- When you ask about their feelings, your kids will learn to articulate them. They’ll learn to express their thoughts and emotions.
Emotionally healthy children grow up to be successful and happy adults. They’ll also be able to use these skills when they get older and face challenges. The ability to be emotionally available and knowledgeable is a powerful tool. Your kids will enjoy great advantages from learning about their feelings.
My Family Coach didn't have cliche, immediate answers to my questions about managing a toddler's outbursts. Instead, she asked me more questions about values and viewpoints. When we finished the discussion, i realized I was in complete harmony with my parenting values. Her viewpoint allowed me to talk through my fears of parenting too strictly.
Every day in your families, you may operate from the perspective of doing the best you know how to do in dealing with the challenges and opportunities. That is so true for everyone, even your coach, who probably came to her profession because of similar experiences. Would you choose to work with a coach If you knew you could and would be...
- More effective in relationships,
- More productive with your time.
- Better focused on your goals
- More successful in communication
If you knew you could accomplish your goal, then you would alter your behavior to correspond with these insights. Your family coach supports your breakthrough and speeds up your learning curve.
You Are Limited By What You Do and Don't Know
The only access you ordinarily have to change and to influence your family comes from these two areas:
1. What you know
2. What you don’t know
In efforts to achieve more or be a better person, you might learn to do something better, or try a different way you heard or read about. You try again a strategy that worked for you before. This is all good. The problem is that it doesn’t stick. The small increments of progress are just that….small, yet they can be powerful if they give you a new skill, relevant understanding, and a next step.
That is where the Family Coach enters the scenario. Few of us can make the changes personally we desire without help. We need feedback, another viewpoint, advice, a listener, a person who questions how we will get there and what will we have accomplished in our parenting.
Here is the success secret that few parents know:
Extraordinary growth comes from outside the area called “you don’t know” – your blind spots.
Imagine the big bubble right outside of your reach filled with a vast array of unusual, new ideas and advice you seek. However, you could be blind to the giant bubble of answers.
Very few family coaches will tell you what to do. In one sense, that rips off your self-discovery process for yourself and all the family members.
Instead, coaches listen, feel, observe, and ask to help you go to the inner bubble of personal knowing ---THAT is your unknown, unseen wisdom waiting to rise to the top.
You wouldn’t let your child climb on to a bike he doesn’t know how to ride without helping him balance, pedal and practice until he has a feel for the bike.
You stay balanced with a family coach until you feel the thrill of success just like your child careens downhill on his bike with hands in the air, “Wheeeeee.”
That is the thrill of accomplishment. Your child felt joyful at self-discovery, As a parent, you go through self-discovery too.
I learned about focused positivity from a stranger at a workshop. Positive thinking is a mental attitude that expects good and favorable results. Yet, attitude alone cannot suddenly manifest. A positive mind focuses specifically on the outcome of every situation and action. This is a powerful tool that everyone has, but few realize how to focus attention.
Seymour Taught Me...
Before I started the Academy for Coaching Parents International, I attended a workshop and met a man named Seymour. Our conversations led to one of my first ghostwriting gigs in completing Seymour's nonfiction book. What impressed me about his rags-to-riches story is that he was positive about using focused energy to achieve results, and he became wealthy over time by focusing energy.
His advice to me about starting a new business was that it unfolded through positive concentrated focus. He advised that I put aside several hours for three days a week. In these hours, I would focus solely on one task of my choosing. I chose to focus on formulating and developing the Academy for Coaching Parents International. His theory that my concentrated, focused work for three hours a day, several times a week. allowed my energy to manifest,. Indeed, it did. I learned to trust the process on robust and focused positivity.
Positive Thinking Includes:
1. Our innate capability to produce desired outcomes with positive, focused thoughts. We create our world by the way we think and how we focus those thoughts. We do this by using the power of positive focus. Each conflict or problem that we confront is merely an opportunity to evolve and to alter the circumstances to our liking.2. Having belief in possibilities when the facts seem to indicate otherwise.
3. Making creative choices.
4. Meeting problems head-on sometimes by allowing focus for problems to solve themselves.
The Concept of Positive Focus Explained
Thought precedes form. When we concentrate our focused thinking on one outcome, we trust the process. We don't allow doubt and interruptions to break our concentration. In short, when focusing energy, you also believe in the possibilities of the manifestation. Even if you doubt a concept like Seymour taught me, you can put concentrated focus to the test like I did.
My doubts did not bother Seymour. His support was more like "Try it. You'll like it. If you don't try it, you will never know."
Of course, I tried it. Focusing didn't involve any more than sitting down, stating aloud my goal for the process, and focusing for a three-hour stretch, which I chose. My focus was on researching and eventually manifesting the Academy for Coaching Parents International.
The concentrated thoughts influenced my universe. Each idea, once generated and sent out, becomes independent of the brain and mind and will live on its own energy depending upon its intensity. Thus, my concentrated focus worked.
All of our feelings, beliefs, and knowledge are based on our internal thoughts, both conscious and subconscious. We are in control, whether we know it or not. We can be positive or negative, enthusiastic or dull, active or passive. These attitudes are maintained by the inner conversations we regularly have with ourselves, both consciously and subconsciously.
PLEASE READ: I AM CONSIDERING FORMING A WORKSHOP ON GETTING RESULTS THROUGH CONCENTRATED PURPOSE. IF YOU ARE INTERESTED, PLEASE LEAVE YOUR EMAIL IN COMMENTS, AND I WILL ADD YOU TO THE LIST. IF TEN PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED, I WILL EMAIL YOU AN INVITATION.
DR. CARON GOODE